The ONE skill that could change it all for you

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Hey, hope you're well.Here's your digest for this week. Hope you find these, inspiring and encouraging.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK

The single most high-value skill you can learn

(approximately 8 min read)

A few weeks ago, I wrote “When the right words are wrong”.In it, I stressed the importance of communicating well, reminding us to ask ourselves these 2 questions before we speak (especially during conflict);

• Is this the time to say it?

• Is this the way to say it?

Re-reading the article, I realized that I didn’t offer suggestions of how to actually communicate better.So let’s do that today.Before I jump to that however, let me re-emphasize just how important communication is.Excellent communication is the most high-value skill you can learn because it is the foundation of all human interaction.It is the singular skill that bridges the gap between the life you want and the life you have.All human interaction is based on trust, which itself hinges on your ability to communicate (verbally and non-verbally) to the other person, you are trustworthy.If you can learn how to communicate empathetically, assertively and clearly, you can achieve almost anything you want.All of my music is communication, and my most successful songs, are those that have poignantly communicated deep, emotionally resonant ideas.And in my businesses, on a daily basis I’m; 

• Communicating with team members, inspiring them to do their best work

• Communicating with existing clients & customers, proving to them they made the right choice working with us

• Communicating with prospective partners and clients, attempting to negotiate new deals and opportunities

All of this doesn’t even include the personal areas of life like family.Needless to say, masterful communication is literally the key to building the kind of life you want to live.To be honest, I have not always been good at communicating - I still not sure I’m great at it.However, since intentionally prioritizing learning this skill, I find myself getting better at it, with real life tangible results to show for it.So how can you improve your communication skills?What are some practical steps you can take?Here are 3 simple things you can implement today!

Think clearlyThe foundation of clear speaking, is clear thinking.How many times have you opened your mouth without knowing where you were going with the thought?You soon find yourself rambling and going off in unrelated tangents, eventually forgetting what you were talking about in the first place.We’ve all been guilty of it.But the best communicators are clear thinkers. So how do you learn to think clearer? Writing!Writing takes the abstract, unfinished ideas in your head and concretizes them on paper - digital paper that is.When you can see what’s in your mind, you can understand it better, critique it better and ultimately refine it.They go from being unformed to taking a definite shape.It is through writing that you might find gaps in your knowledge and understanding, pushing you to research and ultimately find the missing piece.Writing thus, helps you become a better, clearer thinker, which will manifest itself in conversations you have.Naturally you cannot script every interaction, but the principle remains. The clearer your thinking, the better you will become at communicating your ideas.To be frank, this is one of the primary reasons, I’ve committed to writing these weekly newsletters.I want to keep providing you much value, but I also want to become a better thinker and communicator. Here’s Bible passage to consider;“When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” - Prov 10:19Think, then speak 

Ask open-ended questionsWe’re all to varying degrees self-centred. People love to talk about themselves, so let them.When you ask open-ended questions the person you’re speaking to will very likely keep talking, allowing you the opportunity to learn and pick up more information you can keep talking about.If you’re ever at a loss of open-ended questions to ask, use this pneumonic; F.O.R.DF.O.R.D represents four important categories of life; F (Family), O (Occupation), R (Recreation), D (Dreams)Here are examples of open-ended questions for each category;F - Family

How big or small a role does your family play in your life today (if you don’t mind me asking)?O - Occupation

How is your job today same/different from what you imagined it would be at this stage in your life?R - Recreation 

What kinds of things do you do to kick back and relax?D - Dreams

If money were not an object, what would your dream life consist of?Of course these are just examples and questions will vary depending on the context of the conversation. But the point is, if you dissect those questions, you’ll see they remove the possibility of Yes/No answers and require explanations.That’s the point; get them talking.Then as they speak, keep asking follow up open-ended questions based on their responses.Of course don’t be a creep and don’t make it sound like an interrogation.The real power of getting the other person talking (via open-ended questions) is in how their perception of your communication skills changes.The less you talk (except for well-timed insightful questions), and the more they talk, the more they perceive you as a great communicator.Try it! You’ll be shocked!Another passage to consider;“Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.” - Prov. 17:28

Use SilenceEver been in a social setting that was awkwardly quiet?What happens?Inevitably, someone attempts to break the silence by offering up a benign comment or question - “Crazy weather out there!”Humans hate awkward silences, and so rush to fill it.When conversing with others, you can use this to your advantage.You will have to learn to embrace the silence and resist the urge to yourself break it.Let the other person take on that burden of “filling in the silence”.Remember it’s only uncomfortable and awkward because you think it is. There’s nothing inherently strange about 2 adults standing beside each other quietly.This strategy of using silence, works excellently with the earlier mentioned asking open-ended questions.After you ask an open-ended question, once they are “done” answering, respond with short comments like, “mhmm?” “Ok?”Then wait…..in the silence.Notice the question mark (?) at the end of the short response. It invites further explanation.That combined with the silence that follows, will almost inevitably cause the other person to keep talking.The key here is to actually look at the person and listen as they speak. That way, your short responses, don’t come off as distracted and half-hearted.And much like asking open-ended questions, silence gives you the opportunity to learn more about the other person, which will then inform what you say next as well as how you say it.In sum, much of good communication comes down to knowing 2 things; i) what to say ii.) how to say it.The answer of those 2 things is gathering intel, which is why the above 3 strategies are so effective.Each of them works to give you more information that you need to know what to say next.Of course, implied in “asking open-ended questions” and “using silence”, is “Active Listening”. This is a whole field of study of which I won’t pretend to be an expert.What I do know however, is that a key aspect of active listening involves repeating or rephrasing what someone said back to them.After the person speaks, you might say something like this, “So if I understand….(rephrase what they said)”This process is called “mirroring” and has the advantage of giving them the opportunity to clarify any misunderstanding on your part, thus giving you more accurate intel to act on.Even more, mirroring is a powerful psychological tool that subconsciously communicates trust to the other party.Everyone wants to feel heard and understood, and nothing communicates this better than someone repeating what you just said back to you.And humans are more likely to favour those they trust.Use these 3 strategies, on a foundation of active listening, and I promise you, from personal to professional your life will start looking very different.Learning to communicate better is by far one of the biggest contributors to my current level of personal and professional accomplishments.]More can be said, but I’ll end with 2 questions instead;

• What’s one tangible thing you want to change in your life in the next 6-12 months?

• How can communicating better help you achieve that change?

I’d love to hear your responses.Simply “reply” to this email. Looking forward to reading your responses.

P.S. New song coming in 2-3 weeks 😉

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That's it for this week.Love you,Shopé

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